Keeping Score

Nice Pants

Went clothing shopping yesterday, since I've been increasingly disatisfied with my wardrobe as of late. I think I hit one of those "mid-life-crisis" phases last year, and bought a skateboard (which I pretty much never rode), and wore a lot of skater-type clothes.

I've been longing for some nicer, more mature clothes, so I hit Express (for men [and while we're on this topic, what was wrong with Structure, anyway?]), and picked up some really nice long sleeved dress-shirts, and some other short-sleeved collared dress-type shirts.

But the real find was when I decided to check out Dockers pants. I had stayed away from Dockers for a very long time because, well, I hated the idea of wearing khaki pants. Now that's all I wear, ala cargo pants, and I figured I could pick up a couple pairs of dressier pants without the cargo pockets on them.

First, I checked out and decided to buy those Dockers with the hidden zip-pockets in the seams. It's like having cargos without the obvious cargo pocket. I feel like I'm smuggling my wallet when I'm wearing them. Tres Chic.

Then, the real find: Go! Khakis. You know the ones: the guy goes on a bachelor weekend and has everything short of bodily fluids spilled on his pants, and he comes home and the pants still look brand new. They had a "making-of" commercial running at the kiosk that had the Go! Khakis on display. I just didn't see how exactly these pants could resist liquids like they claimed, The director on the video was even commenting on how he thought that they didn't really work that way, and was amazed that no liquids would stick to the pants. Everything just ran right off.

So I grabbed a pair and brought them home. Yes, I even paid for them.

The first thing I did with them when I got home was to hold them under the faucet and just watch the water roll off. I swear, the "40% microfiber" label on the tag should read "40% duck" because the water just beads right up and rolls right off! And the pants don't feel like they're made out of plastic, either. They feel like soft cotton pants! Heck, I don't even think plastic could resist liquids as well as these pants.

So, in the spirit of fair marketing, I've come up with a list of other excellent bullet points they could list on these pants other than resisting stains from spills:

1). Piss yourself, and no one's the wiser!
2). Fashionable wet suits! Now go scuba diving in style!
3). Never wash your clothes again!
4). Singin' in the rain never looked better! Gene Kelly, eat your heart out!
5). Coming soon: Monica Lewinski Docker Go! Dresses! Never get nailed by embarrassing stains again!

Okay, so that last one was uncalled for, but you knew it was coming, right? Pun intended.