Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Red Paintballs

Guess what? It's time to debunk CSI again.

(audible groaning from readers)

No, it's really not that bad this time. Just that, once again, TV producers thought it would be really "edgy" to have someone get shot with red paintballs. In last night's CSI: MIAMI new ep, the side-story was that some transient old guy (read: bum) died of a heart-attack after some kids shot him with a paintball gun.

Only two problems here:

1). The dead guy they found initially looked like he was covered in red blood, only it turned out to be red paint after they got him to the lab. There isn't a CSI or detective on the planet who would have made this blunder. If the show's writers/producers had actually purchased just *one* paintball, broke it on some fabric, and waited around for about 10 minutes, they would have found that paintball paint soaks into the fabric after a short time, and rapidly loses its color. Also, there's plastic flecks everywhere from the shell of the ball breaking. No plastic flecks were found on the dead guy, which would have been a dead giveaway that it was a paintball. Also, paintball paint is engineered to be bio-degradeable, it's pretty much made out of a vegetable oil with a non-color-fast dye in it. It's unmistakeable once you've seen it.

2). There are NO red paintballs made in the 68 caliber size (the kids used a 68 cal paintgun. Some manufacturers make 6mm paintballs for airsoft guns, and 40mm paintballs for blowguns, but it was a 68 cal paintgun used in the ep). There are "red" paintballs sold by the one company in that Froogle link, but I'd bet real money that they have pink paint inside, like these. Red paintballs don't exist for the very reason that this episode was written around: So that people don't have heart attacks if some asshole kids come out and shoot them in the middle of the night.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Top Ten List for Complete Morons

I've been getting tired of MSN's "news" features they throw up at the top of the page. Today's is Top Ten Things You Should Never Buy Used. Laptops? Helmets? Wetsuits? THANK YOU MSN FOR SAVING ME FROM ALMOST BUYING THAT USED WETSUIT/HELMET COMBO.

I, for one, think a more practical list is in order. Obviously, if MSN's readers can't tell for themselves that buying a used pair of shoes might be a mistake, I think they need a more comprehensive list:

1). Condoms Look, all joking aside, you're downright retarded if you're buying someone else's used raincoat. We're not even going to go into the stupidity factor of using one.
2). Toilet Paper We're not talking recycled here, folks. We mean used.
3). Mouthwash "But the alcohol kills all the germs," you say. Sure it does. Sure it does.
4). Underwear We know there's a lot of you sick puppies in Japan who are buying these out of vending machines, but take our advice and just walk away.
5). Love Doll Don't be fooled when the seller says "she's hardly got any miles on her." He rode her hard and put her away wet.
6). Heroine Needle You might think you're getting a break on the price, but stay firm in your junkie craze induced stupor and hold out for the clean needles sold in the back alley behind the hospital by the intern.
7). Tampons Do we really need to discuss the "why" behind this?
8). Kleenex Believe it or not, there are people out there who do this every day. They are called "old men" and you can just replace the term "Kleenex" with "handkerchief."
9). Sex Toys Granted, this could be included under #5, but we were running out of things to put on this list, and we needed to get to ten.
10). Hospital Sheets They're cheap for a reason: someone died on them. Of an infectious, pus-oozing disease.

There you go, folks. We here at Keeping Score hope that by reading this list, you might make better, more informed consumer purchasing decisions. Happy shopping!

Sunday, October 03, 2004


There is nothing quite like getting up at 5am to feed the cat, only to hear something eating your food in your pantry on the TOP SHELF. Why more horror movies haven't started out like this, I don't know.

We officially have a mouse, and it likes to jump at people, making them look like every fool who's ever done a cheerleader scream as seen on America's Funniest Home Videos.

I HAD this little bastard in the tupperware bowl and he jumped out before I had the chance to get the lid slammed down on it. First off, who knew these fuckers could jump like 8 inches up and 12 inches out at the same time? Also, why didn't anyone tell me???. Second, you do NOT want a wild, rabid, crazed, hungry beady-eyed mouse jumping at your almost-naked-only-wearing-boxers-and-a- pair-of-work-gloves-self when you're half asleep at 5am. I'm just saying.

Bowler: 1 Mouse: 0

Y'know what? Live catch mouse traps are a total joke. I heard the trap door spring shut, and decided to let him stew about his capture in there for awhile before removing him (besides, Riley wasn't in bed yet, and last thing I need is a hysterical wife holding the baby [and before you think I'm being misogynistic, ask Liz who was sitting on the kitchen table when I went to go get the mouse]).

So after Liz put Riley to bed, I strolled over to the pantry, and heard him chewing. This is odd, you see, because the trap was loaded with peanut butter, and this isn't a crunchy household. Out come the tupperware bowls, the work gloves, and some shoes. I open the pantry door, and lo, the bastard has somehow climbed up to the top shelf again despite a re-arrangement of boxes. Evidently they can jump even higher than 8 inches. Who knew? However, this time, he had made a fatal error.

I can say one thing for the little guy: he's got taste. First time, he was chewing on some tasty egg noodles. This time, I caught him chewing on some Barilla pasta flat noodles, from inside the box. Capture was a cinch; I just slammed the open lid shut and took the entire box out for a walk down to the grade school. They have an enormous field for him to run around in, and it's a block or two away, so he's more likely to find refuge in someone else's pantry, and right now, I'm just fine with that. I set the box down and lifted up the back end, and he slid right out with the pasta, shot me a look, and scampered off across the parking lot into the field, away from the direction of our house.

After coming back home, I inspected the three live traps. It turns out he was inside the one in the pantry. He ate about half of the peanut butter, crapped all over the thing, and somehow got back out despite the fact that it's "engineered to hold four mice." It couldn't even hold one for ten minutes.

He used it like a cheap diner and left a crappy tip.

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