Keeping Score

Top Ten List for Complete Morons

I've been getting tired of MSN's "news" features they throw up at the top of the page. Today's is Top Ten Things You Should Never Buy Used. Laptops? Helmets? Wetsuits? THANK YOU MSN FOR SAVING ME FROM ALMOST BUYING THAT USED WETSUIT/HELMET COMBO.

I, for one, think a more practical list is in order. Obviously, if MSN's readers can't tell for themselves that buying a used pair of shoes might be a mistake, I think they need a more comprehensive list:

1). Condoms Look, all joking aside, you're downright retarded if you're buying someone else's used raincoat. We're not even going to go into the stupidity factor of using one.
2). Toilet Paper We're not talking recycled here, folks. We mean used.
3). Mouthwash "But the alcohol kills all the germs," you say. Sure it does. Sure it does.
4). Underwear We know there's a lot of you sick puppies in Japan who are buying these out of vending machines, but take our advice and just walk away.
5). Love Doll Don't be fooled when the seller says "she's hardly got any miles on her." He rode her hard and put her away wet.
6). Heroine Needle You might think you're getting a break on the price, but stay firm in your junkie craze induced stupor and hold out for the clean needles sold in the back alley behind the hospital by the intern.
7). Tampons Do we really need to discuss the "why" behind this?
8). Kleenex Believe it or not, there are people out there who do this every day. They are called "old men" and you can just replace the term "Kleenex" with "handkerchief."
9). Sex Toys Granted, this could be included under #5, but we were running out of things to put on this list, and we needed to get to ten.
10). Hospital Sheets They're cheap for a reason: someone died on them. Of an infectious, pus-oozing disease.

There you go, folks. We here at Keeping Score hope that by reading this list, you might make better, more informed consumer purchasing decisions. Happy shopping!