Keeping Score

Sample Letters

I'm sorry if the topic of this next piece offends any of my regular readers. I promise it's a one-time thing...

So I read a few sample letters today. I guess there's a website that has some letters on it that you can write to your Senator if you don't like the idea of going to war with Iraq. While I'm all for making your voices heard with your government representatives, I'm also all for using your own brain to write them. Because when you copy and paste non-sensical letters without thinking about your side, they come out sounding a little like this:

Dear Senator/Representative,

Even though I've never had anything to do with foreign politics or international intelligence, I'd like to forward you this form letter and tell you that attacking Iraq will not reduce the threat of terrorist attacks on the United States. I'll even go so far to say that if American military forces attack Iraq, this will increase the likelihood of another terrorist attack on the United States. By saying that, I've just logically made a connection between Iraq and terrorist attacks in the U.S., but will sit here and ignore such logic and reason and write you that I feel that the opposite is true. There is already considerable resentment in the Arab world over U.S. bases in Saudi Arabia, even though they're too ungrateful for us saving their asses just over ten years ago. How easily they forget. Even though I don't have any real proof, nor will I site any examples, I'd like to say that there has been a long history of US military actions against Arab states to satisfy our ever increasing thirst for oil. I would also like to point out my complete lack of understanding of radical Muslim beliefs (by completely ignoring the fact that all Arab states, including Saudi Arabia's official Mosques have professed a religious genocidal hatred of the Jews that has stood for millenia) and complain that the US is one-sidedly supporting Israel in the Israeli/Palestinian conflict, despite the fact that the US was the only country that officially came to a bargaining table in support of a nation of Palestine.

I would also like to glaze over reasons for international conflict, and simply point out that the U.S. has bombed a lot of countries (Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Panama, Grenada, Sudan, Libya, Iraq, and Yugoslavia). Nevermind the fact that every country listed was a harsh dictatorship and that save two, the people who lived there wanted us to come save their asses from the current ruling bodies. Sure, I can say that the people we bombed were no threat to us. In fact, I'll also point out my complete and total lack of ability to put two and two together by stating that not one of those people ever came over here and bombed us. See, I've never understood how the intelligence system works. I don't get that a good offense is better than the best defense. I don't understand that when we know someone is going to come and fly planes into our buildings, that it's better to go to where they live and get them first. If we want terrorism to stop, we must stop practicing terrorism ourselves. I think we should try hugging terrorists, not shooting them. Have we tried buying terrorists teddy bears and giving them kisses? We haven't. Truly, anyone who feels that the rest of the Western world are infidels and must be exterminated in some twisted religiously supported genocidal tidal wave can be reasoned with. Look at how well talking to Hitler went!

Now try and stay with me Senator/Representative. Here's where I dive off the deep end of reason and never look back:

Former President George H. Bush saw his popularity ratings increase when he started the Gulf War against Iraq. Never mind the fact that Kuwait was being renamed South Iraq at the time, and our allies in Saudi Arabia were pissing themselves because they saw the end of their country in sight. I'm trying to make a case for oil and re-election here, so saving lives really gets in the way of my argument. Conveniently casting history to the side, I'd like to say that the Gulf War distracted people from Bush's Iran/Contragate scandal and was nearly enough to get him re-elected. Because, you know, Clinton didn't win by a landslide or anything. Former President Bill Clinton saw his popularity ratings increase when he started the war against Yugoslavia. Again I'd like you to ignore the fact that people were dying in Yugoslavia due to a vicious civil war. Please also try and forget about the mass graves and the genocide that was happening there, because otherwise I sound really stupid when I try and point out that it distracted people from his Monica Lewinsky and Paula Jones sex scandals. Being the Master of the Obvious, and one who would like to try and tenuously connect war with ratings, let me say that President George W. Bush's popularity is continuing to drop. In addition, his extensive involvement in the Enron scandal is becoming more and more evident as the details of this sordid business become public. So now George W. Bush is trying to get a war against Iraq started so he can get his popularity ratings up and make people forget about his Enron ties. Seriously, I believe that Presidents have the power to throw hundreds of thousands of our citizens to the wolves just in an attempt at re-election. I've been so numbed by watching television that I think that Presidents are unfeeling robots and would come gut me in my own home if they thought their ratings would go up. I've read so many conspiracy pamphlets that my own judgement has become impaired to the point that I would think that Presidents somehow have the power to pull the wool over hundreds of elected officials and somehow slip a war resolution past them because re-election is his only goal; not stopping terrorism at its bankrolling source. In fact, my own stubborn sense of ignorant pointless determination and over-inflated self-worth has made me think that my factless and baseless form letter to you will somehow outweigh the hundreds of pages of intelligence you were given to read over previous to voting on the Iraq resolution.

Please hamstring us further in our efforts against terrorism, and vote against a war on Iraq.