Monday, April 21, 2003

The Big OH!

Been watching a bit too much of the O! Network lately. I have to say that the "O" isn't for "Oxygen," or rather, it would be for Oxygen if that's what you need after a large self-induced womangasm.

It seems that from the advertising and programming that's on that network from 10pm to 1am, that it's all about 40-something year old women and their sexual frustrations. Which is great and all, if you're over forty and sexually frustrated, but man, you really shouldn't be mixing up commercials for "women's viagra" and Oprah in the same commercial block, inbetween episodes of some 70 year old woman giving out sex pointers and your fantasy-of-the-day show where the plot typically revolves around a 40-something year old woman getting it on with 18 year olds.

And while we're on the topic, can I say what a train-wreck that Sex Talk show is? Because lord knows I'm not taking my sex-advice from someone old enough to be my grandmother.

And then there's Bliss: The cookie-cutter plot show that points out pr0n is pr0n. Don't bother watching, in case you were interested. The typical plot goes like this:

Attractive but average 40-something woman is despondant about her lack of a sex-life. Enter 18 year old sex object (can be either male or female; it doesn't matter). Teenaged sex-object totally tries to seduce 40-something woman. 40-something woman will have nothing of it. Think of her sensibilites as a woman, please! 40-something woman decides to try a single meeting with teen sex object. What harm could come? Drinks are had. They have sex. Nothing is shown. Cut to a scene of regret on the face of the 40-something woman. The teen then has words of wisdom along the lines of "why so glum, that was awesome," which wins over the heart of the 40-something woman ("I can just tell everyone at work that having sex with someone as old as my son was awesome! That'll set them straight!"), who then turns the tables and becomes the dominant pursuer of the teen sex object as we roll credits.

The only thing it's missing is some good old fashioned wacka-chick music and a money shot.

One more thing: When you're supposedly a women's network? You might want to re-word the following ad on your website:

Heat up your In-Box. Sign up for occasional sexy emails.

I will now refer to women's genetalia from here-on-out as the "in-box." Thank you.

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