Monday, July 21, 2003

Welcome to Illinois

I normally don't do stuff like this, but I got this piece of joke-mail today and thought it was too funny not to share. For my Chicagoland brothers:

VISIT ILLINOIS - from the Illinois Tourism Council

A few suggestions for making your visit to Illinois a happy one.

1) Don't order steak or pasta primavera at Denny's. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the cooks in the kitchen they will kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sandwich, St.Elmo, Gays, Reddick, Dongola, Dupo, Ashkum, Boody, Farmer City, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a can or bottle of soda here. It is called pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as Midwesterners. We are from Illinois and we can kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense. We have to make a living here. Naturally we have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just to run for the senate. If someone tried to do that we would kick her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our cornfields or our Lincoln Log home. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And while in Chicago, don't point and laugh at the sculptures or we will kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we will kick your ass.

8) Don't order the fruit plate for dessert. Order a steak and a potato or pizza for dinner and then have cheesecake or we will kick your ass.

9) Don't try to fake a Chicago accent. We don't have an accent. Do not mention Al Capone, he's dead and you will be too after you get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk to us about how much better things are where you came from because we know better. Many of us have visited big city hellholes like Detroit, Cleveland, New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, O'Hare is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Don't complain that Illinois is flat and that there are not enough trees. If you whine about our scenic beauty we will kick your ass all the way back to San Francisco.

12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We speak only when spoken to. We know where we are going and we want to get there now. We mind our own business because that's what civilized, educated people do. Behave yourself around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners in your sorry ass just like they did ours.

13) So you think we are quaint or losers because some of us live on a farm? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, crime infested cesspools like New York or Los Angeles. Make fun of our tractors and we will kick your ass.

14) Pronouncing the 's' at the end of Illinois is not funny. Doing it will get your ass kicked.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come here and tell us Chicago is full of gangsters. This will get your ass SHOT (right after it is kicked). Just mention this and you will be wearing cement shoes in the bottom of the Chicago River.

Now enjoy your visit, spend your money and then go home!!!

Ahhhhhh. Can you smell the love?

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