Thursday, August 07, 2003

House Madness

It is done. We are in the new hizouse, and everything (so far) has been going well. Previous to Tuesday, things were not going well. Some of the snafus which led to ownership:

1). While noticing how neat the rain looked pouring down the loading ramp to the truck, I realized I had left the windows open to the 24 foot behemoth U-Haul truck we rented, and was overjoyed to learn that I had soaked the cabin so badly that there was a half-inch of standing water on the floor. Of course, I got soaking wet just running the length of the truck to get to the cab to roll up the windows, and just as soon as I had closed it up, it stopped raining.

2). The close on the sale of our previous house ran so long we were late by about 30 minutes to the close of the buy of the second home.

3). The close on the purchase of our new house went so poorly I was calling our lenders Nazis and wondering if letterbombing their office would be a sufficient enough outlet for my rage (the loan processor for our mortgage broker thought this was a laugh riot, incidently). Seriously, you don't ask your borrower to provide a bank record you know you didn't ask them for previously at 4:51 pm on the day of close. It's not going to happen. Fortunately the sellers were gracious enough to allow us take posession of the house a day early, so we didn't have to sleep in one of our cardboard boxes like homeless people.

4). Upon attempting to move the truck into the driveway of the new house to move in, it was realized that I had killed the battery by leaving the dome lights for both the cab and the cargo bay on overnight (they were turned on during the flood sequence so I could see). It's important to note at this stage that there are no indicator lights or beeps or sounds that would otherwise notify you that you have left the dome light on. Calling the 1-800-I'm-Screwed Roadside Assistance number gave me the following helpful tip while on hold: "Did you know that the number one cause of dead batteries in U-Haul trucks is leaving the dome light on?" No shit. Maybe you fucktards might want to actually do something proactive about that instead of letting us know how stupid we are while on hold?

I'm not trying to brag, but we can't believe how big it is. If I come home and yell "Honey, I'm home!" in the Laundry Room (attaches to the garage), Liz cannot hear me if she is up in the Master Bedroom. For you grammarphiles out there: I realize I'm capitalizing the rooms of the house. As you may be aware, locales such as countries, states, counties, cities, and historical monuments are all a capitalizable commodity. It is our most sincere belief that the house and the rooms that make it fit in there somewhere.

With the DSL installation forthcoming, and assuming I don't get lost somewhere in the bowells of the Bowler Manor, I should be posting here again with a bit more frequency.

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