Tuesday, September 23, 2003
The First Sign of the Apocalypse
CHICAGO, IL. - Witnesses on the Kennedy Expressway recoiled in terror today as they saw what surely can only be described as the beginning of the end of the world: An H2 being used for something even remotely useful.
Describing the sight as a once in a lifetime event, Laura Jones relates her harrowing experience: "I just can't believe it. It was like, holy shit, here's this H2 towing something! And here I'm all, 'can those things even tow stuff'? I couldn't like, fathom it. I totally fucking hate those things."
Sources say that an H2 was spotted on 90/94 late yesterday afternoon towing, of all things, some sort of ditch-witch. "Look, don't get me started on the correlations between witches and Hummer owners, okay?. And could I just point out the irony in the whole ditch-digging thing? Maybe he needed it so he could dig himself out if he accidentally went offroad, y'know?" said Tyler Brown, a frequent commuter on 90/94. "I was lucky I didn't go off the road. I was totally slackjawed. You don't see this kind of thing every day. You can bet my sweet ass that you'll see this kind of thing ever again. Did I mention he was a horribly inconsiderate driver?"
Miss Jones, despite the encounter, still claims to totally fucking hate H2s.