Sunday, February 26, 2006

Winter Games

Once again the Winter Games are over and nobody watched, despite the lack of "controversy" (was I the only one who watched Bode Miller suck out loud?).

So, the gamer in me has decided the following suggestions might actually get people to y'know, WATCH the Winter Games:

1). Despite the fact that "figure skating" (scarequotes because they're no longer required to actually skate figures) is the most popular "sport," let's be honest, it's turned into a bunch of people prancing around on ice spinning. No, seriously, if you're a fan, ask yourself when the last time was they did anything other than A). spin in the air, or B). spin on the ground. Backflips are "illegal" in Olympic competition. Why? Are we afraid they're going to land on their heads on the ice? Fact is, it's become a god-damned bic razor competition, to see who can add an extra blade spin to their product jumps every 4 years. I don't care if it's called a triple sow cow or a toe loop. 99% of the viewers don't even know what the move is called, they only know they're spinning. Step 1 is: allow backflips, because when you allow people to get inverted, you're allowing a whole new axis of rotation, and you just might end up seeing shit this cool on ice. It's the Olympics for crying out loud. Let's stop worrying about them falling and let the world's best be the world's best.

2). Equalize the disparity between Alpine Skiing and Snowboarding rules. Snowboarding rewards "going big" by throwing out the lowest scoring of 2 runs (halfpipe/freestyle), whereas Skiing takes the average of both runs (downhill, slalom, super-G, whatever). So if you fall in one of your runs in Snowboarding, you're still in the mix. If you fall in Skiing, you're out. Reward aggressive skiing by adopting the Snowboarding scoring method. I'm sick of watching skiiers (from any country) get DQ'd because they jumped a gate, and eliminate themselves from medal contention because they're charging hard.

3). Stop pretending there's some kind of "international hockey community" and just put them on an NHL sized rink. If I have to hear another announcer comment "oh that guy plays on the Calgary Flames" or "there's a reason Finland's Penalty Killing shift is so good; they might as all be wearing Detroit Redwings jerseys" I'm going to shoot someone. It's all NHL players anyway, just put them on an NHL sized rink. Fuckit, just have them suit up in their NHL gear. Nobody watches that, either.

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