Keeping Score

Yes, Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting

Jesus Christ, will the whiners never freaking stop? I've had it ::up to here:: with the pissers and moaners on who have to crap all over everything because it's not the kitchy-cool original.

The latest victim to this internet fan-boy craze is Shaolin Soccer. Evidently some people are pissed at the job Miramax did in dubbing and editing the title down. It's important to note that some of the people complaining haven't even seen the film yet, and are only arguing on principle alone.

I've seen the original more times than I'd care to count. I even own an "illegal" import copy with a farking craptacular subtitle job. Regardless of how bad the dub job is, it's umpteen times more preferable than trying to understand English written by someone who doesnt' really have a grasp on it. I would also like to know how editing out the boring, mundane, and non-plot driven sequences out of the movie and adding what I thought were some half-way decent voice acting (see trailers) somehow ruins a movie.

Seriously, there were sections in the original that would kill the movie-watching experience for Americans. I'm sure Asians who understand the culture love those sequences, but unless I'm mistaken, this version is going to be shown to Americans. There's a difference, folks. No one's destroying the original Hong Kong version. Maybe we're dumber than Asians. That's fair. But if sections of the original don't make sense, then fine, edit those sections out. They didn't drive the primary plot forward anyway, and in a movie that can best be described as pure camp, I don't think you can make serious complaints about this being an incomplete film or lack of character development scenes. Editing out scenes from Dumb and Dumber for an Asian release would not qualify as film travesty in anyone's opinion.

Last on the list is the complaints is the "Oh god, they're using some half-assed version of Kung Fu Fighting" in the score! While I admit that the song is trite and so over-done it's got a charred black center, I think it's important to note that this "half-assed" version that they claim terribly Americanizes the film first appeared in Dance Dance Revolution, you morons. The very version of the song you're complaining about was remixed and loved by Asians, asshats.

I guess it's only cool if Japanese people use it, then, eh?

More Handy Than One Might Like

Although being a complete waste of a magazine, Maxim runs this funny bit every month called found p0rn. It's basically stuff that was meant to be innocuous but can be quite hillarious taken in a different light.

Well, I think I found some:

Welcome to Illinois

I normally don't do stuff like this, but I got this piece of joke-mail today and thought it was too funny not to share. For my Chicagoland brothers:

VISIT ILLINOIS - from the Illinois Tourism Council

A few suggestions for making your visit to Illinois a happy one.

1) Don't order steak or pasta primavera at Denny's. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the cooks in the kitchen they will kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sandwich, St.Elmo, Gays, Reddick, Dongola, Dupo, Ashkum, Boody, Farmer City, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a can or bottle of soda here. It is called pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as Midwesterners. We are from Illinois and we can kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense. We have to make a living here. Naturally we have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just to run for the senate. If someone tried to do that we would kick her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our cornfields or our Lincoln Log home. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And while in Chicago, don't point and laugh at the sculptures or we will kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we will kick your ass.

8) Don't order the fruit plate for dessert. Order a steak and a potato or pizza for dinner and then have cheesecake or we will kick your ass.

9) Don't try to fake a Chicago accent. We don't have an accent. Do not mention Al Capone, he's dead and you will be too after you get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk to us about how much better things are where you came from because we know better. Many of us have visited big city hellholes like Detroit, Cleveland, New York, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, O'Hare is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Don't complain that Illinois is flat and that there are not enough trees. If you whine about our scenic beauty we will kick your ass all the way back to San Francisco.

12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We speak only when spoken to. We know where we are going and we want to get there now. We mind our own business because that's what civilized, educated people do. Behave yourself around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners in your sorry ass just like they did ours.

13) So you think we are quaint or losers because some of us live on a farm? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, crime infested cesspools like New York or Los Angeles. Make fun of our tractors and we will kick your ass.

14) Pronouncing the 's' at the end of Illinois is not funny. Doing it will get your ass kicked.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come here and tell us Chicago is full of gangsters. This will get your ass SHOT (right after it is kicked). Just mention this and you will be wearing cement shoes in the bottom of the Chicago River.

Now enjoy your visit, spend your money and then go home!!!

Ahhhhhh. Can you smell the love?

Happy Birthday to Me

I hate days like this. While I know that no one is intentionally avoiding going out to lunch with me today, it's still really bumming me out that everyone's busy or otherwise tied up on my birthday.

I just really didn't feel like eating by myself today.

However, if for some reason I manage to win the Tekken4 arcade cabinet drawing (they're only asking for $100!!!) here at work, it will more than make up for it. Unfortunately I won't find out 'till 2pm tomorrow, and chances of me winning it are slim since everyone and their Moms are entering the drawings due to the insanely low prices.

I mean, come on. Fully functional arcade cabinets going for $100?? Some of the classics that are in Mame cabinets (smaller, PC emulation cabinets) are going for $25. You might as well bid on all of them at that price, and I did.

It's One Smarter

I never thought I'd see the day when the most bookish of the bookish* manages to incorporate a pseudo Spinal Tap reference with their release of their newest dictionary: the Eleventh Edition of Merriam-Webster's Collegiate® Dictionary.

We go to ELEVEN!!!

Unfortunately, Webster, it's "This one goes to Eleven."

But I'm still awarding style points for effort.

* Well, I think I'd actually have to credit the OED with that term, but still.

It's the Ping Pong that Drives Us

Yeah yeah yeah, I talk about the Matrix way too much.

But if you do just one thing today, just one, make sure it's to watch this video. Some guys do some Matrix Ping Pong act on stage on some talent show in Japan or something, and it's a-freaking-mazing.

Storm of the Century

For whatever reason the other night, I had this dream about the ships in ID4. You know the ones: the huge-assed disks that burned the sky as they came through the atmosphere and positioned themselves over every major city.

I remember feeling the true xenophobic terror that the people in the movie must have felt if that situation were real, and wondered how I'd really feel if I ever saw anything like that personally.

Well, nature provided me with the answer this morning. I saw the biggest storm front I've ever seen in my life roll in today on the way into work. The leading edge of this storm had to be hundreds of miles across, and actually blotted out the sun. Here's a picture of what the contrast of the leading edge looked like against the sky. It was like you were heading into a black hole. It literally felt as if the sky were falling. I've never felt anything as alien as this in my life.

Then once you moved under it, it felt as if you were underwater, and the roiling clouds overhead was the surface of the ocean, way up above you. Again, an incredibly alien encounter.

Nobody at work ever remembers seeing a storm like this one.